The Letter
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy
are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do
NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Completing Your Education
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
What's the height of conceit?
Completing a romantic act and calling out your own name.
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other is used to carry groceries.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
You fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double -
The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Proverbs
To avoid duplication, make three copies.
It's called "Take Home" pay because you can't afford to go anywhere else with it.
Success is relative; The greater the success, the more relatives.
Anyone can be a winner . . . unless, of course, there's a second entry.
The slower you work, the fewer mistakes you make.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If at first you succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
You must have learned from others' mistakes. You haven't had time to think all those up yourself.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
People like criticism . . . just keep it positive and flattering.
It's OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.
Worry kills more people than work because more people worry than work.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
When you're getting kicked from behind, that means you're in front.
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
Advertisement: "Let me do your income tax. I'll save you time (about 20 years)."
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Most people deserve each other.
All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
The one who snores, will fall asleep first.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.
If you help a relative in need he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.